Oh it's been such a long, rocky and twisted road.
When I look back over the last year and a half...um, almost two years, I'm a little bit in awe of the events that have transpired and how I have been transformed.
It's interesting to realize just how well I can channel some things and how great I am at shutting others down.
Kerrie.
Still not quite sure I am over her death. Still not entirely sure that I don't harbor some of the blame. I know that I couldn't be the one to help her....but there is always that nagging and emotionally abusive "what if" that hangs around and whispers in my ear in my lowest and weakest moments. Could I have saved her. What if I had checked in on her more often. Should I have moved in with her or she with me. Could I have dug deeper. Should I have been more aware. Whatever the whispers, it's too late.
Weight.
Oh the bane of my existence. I decided to take care of myself for once. I lost weight. 82lbs to be exact. The funny thing was is that I couldn't see it. Oh, I can now. I can look at pictures and see how I looked back then. Funny thing is I don't really remember being thinner.
My first love.
I know to many, probably most, the whole scenario is laughable, if not cringe-worthy. The summary in and of itself is the makings of a really bad made for TV movie. The platform of said romance being the springboard of my highest highs and the jumping off point of some of my lowest lows. Gee, isn't that what a relationship all about? It lasted longer than I anticipated and ended sooner than I wanted. It unlocked an emotional door that I had never had the courage to open because I did not feel worthy. It made me aware that I am definitely the touchy-feely type of person I never thought I was. I like closeness and intimacy. I need and cherish affection. It has also shown me what it feels like to have your heart pulled apart and to have little control over the emotions that follow.
I finally know how it feels to be kissed and loved. Although there are times I wish I didn't. I think my life was easier when I could just shut someone down by pulling the "never been there, never done that" routine.
Job changes, address changes, gaining new friends, being distanced from old friends, leaving family, leaving a church that was like family. Nothing looks familiar.
I am still on my road, as we all are. I cannot see what is around the next bend, and don't know if I want to. I feel I am gearing up for the continuation of my journey. Packing away those things that I don't need right now, but may have to call upon sometime down the road. I am toughening my emotional callouses and trying to unload those hurts and pains. I am strapping on the survival gear I shed so long ago and with head down, begin my trudge on down the road.
I fear I'm going to have a rocky uphill climb around that bend.....
