I want to scream...
and cry and beat my fists on the ground.
I want to throw something...
into the ground and watch it shatter.
I am pissed.  I am so very very angry.
How dare she do this.
How dare she put me through this.
How dare she put her daughter through this.
How dare she break her father's already damaged heart.
I don't have the shoulders to carry this.
I don't have the strength to hold everyone up.
I can't stand to see her lying there.
I can't look into her lifeless eyes.
I can't bear the outcome.
I am terrified to hope.
I am terrified to let go.
I can't do this again.

Where do I go from here?

Have you ever been lost?  Arrived at a place you thought you knew, only to realize you had absolutely no idea where you were, or what direction to go from there?

In my journey...I really thought that I knew where I was going.  I had imagined it in my head many many times.  It's just that from where I stand, nothing looks like what I thought it would.  I seem to have miscalculated my direction.

I have others telling me where they think I am, and telling me the direction I should go.  I just don't know if I should follow their advice.  It's MY journey, you see.  I think that's why it looks so different.  I have adopted what other's journeys look like as my own.

And now I have realized that everyone's journey looks different.  There are different roads to arrive at similar destinations.

I just so badly want this journey to be over with.  To arrive at my destination and to move on.