Today

I don' get it.  I just don't stinking get it.

I've lost my place, I'm missing myself.

Am I right or wrong?

Your perspective from over there
is not the same as mine over here.

I will never have again
those things gone forever.

Empty places, heart and home.

Do they care because they're supposed to?
I don't think they care at all.

Can I start over?

Why bother, nothing changes.

Words from friends are more precious than gold.

Simplicity in humor makes me smile.

More is said in silence than is observed.

It's all in the eyes.

Animals sometimes make better friends.

To hold a baby is a gift from God.

I miss mom.

Wobbly legs.
Whenever I think of wobbly legs, I get a mental picture of a baby giraffe.
When I was young, my brother, sister and I would sit around on, what, Friday or Saturday nights and watch "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom".  That was forerunner to "The Wonderful World of Disney".  Loved those shows.
MOWK was a fantastic show.  It took you from the jungles of Africa to the antarctic tundras and everything in between.  It showed all kinds of fish and creatures that swam in the sea, bizarre birds and their behaviors, animals, insects, you name it.
We were always glued to the TV on these nights.  Of course, this was way, way before internet. For some of us, this was our only link to the fantastic and amazing things that were on this planet.
Back to wobbly legs.
The first time I ever witnessed a baby giraffe was on MOWK. 
There, in the middle of an African desert was a momma giraffe who had just given birth to a baby.  It was so cute!  It was an "awww" moment.
As we sat enraptured by this new animal kingdom birth, one of the funniest things I had ever seen happened.  The baby giraffe made an attempt to stand.
It leaned it's long neck out toward it's front feet as it shifted it's weight enough to unfurl it's front legs and brace them out in front.  Then a shift again as the hindquarters raised and the back feet found footing.  With a much concerted effort and a burst of energy, the baby giraffe pushed it's full weight upon those outstretched legs and as they supported this baby for the first time, they wobbled. 
I was in awe. I was amazed.  I laughed so hard I cried.
The baby giraffe made several more attempts at standing, each progressive attempt a little bit longer and more stable than the attempt before until, eventually, the baby was standing and frolicking on it's own.

My legs are wobbly. 
I know that it will take several more attemps before I am standing on my own, under my strength.  I know that it will take patience and endurance.  Neither of which I have in abundance.
I know that my friends, and my mighty God, are standing by and offering their awesome support, and for that I thank you.

Thanks

So this is nothing more than a thank you card.
Thank you
Johnathan, Dawnette, Darren, Denise, Dan and Mary.
For:
giving of yourselves
long days
longer nights
letting God use you
not holding a grudge
holding me accountable
speaking the truth
patience
bearing fruit
invitations
waiting
seeing beyond
walking with me
holding my hand
offering your shoulder
calling me out
listening
space invading
trusting
forgiving
hugging
pushing
considering
praying
opening up
laying it out
laying it down
your example
strength
courage
leadership
weakness
kindness
gentleness
joy
hope
praise
acceptance
non judgement
openness
friendship
love
grace
mercy
I know that there are many, many more that I could post, but I think you get the picture.
You have each played an incredibly important and pivotal role in my road to healing and recovery.
I appreciate each of you and how you have allowed me to be grafted into your lives and families.
This is a long road, made of many blocks.  I appreciate your willingness to lay the bricks to this road that I am walking...and I thank Jesus for the foundation those bricks have been laid upon.

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now

Oh this is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
Come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark.

                ~Tenth Avenue North

Sunday Morning

This last Sunday morning was different than most, well any, than I've had before.
It took me until today to figure out why, but I think I have it cornered.

Have you ever heard a song, recognized it when it came on the radio, even sang the chorus...without ever really knowing what the song was about?
I actually do that all the time.  Maybe it's because my hearing doesn't usually pick up words in songs unless I already know them.  Maybe it's because I have a wandering mind, or maybe I just have a short attention span. Whatever the reason, words just don't come easily to my ears.

However, I was listening to a song on the way to church Sunday morning when I HEARD the words to the song.
Now I don't know if it's just my journey these last few weeks or maybe my Father just needed me to hear, but I picked up on the words to the song that I "knew", I just didn't "KNOW".

The words to the song, as I listened, took my breath away.  I started to get a little misty eyed (I know, no big shocker there) and then I smiled and sang at the top of my lungs.

I believe that God, through His Holy Spirit, speaks to us today.  The question is..are we listening?
What is He saying?  And most of all, are we paying attention to what he is setting before us?
Sometimes I can take a situation and look back and do the whole "oooh, that's what was going on".  You know, the whole hindsight is 20/20 deal.  And then sometimes I can miss stuff that was totally laid at my feet, and then other times, I flat out ignore it alltogether.

I believe that my Father set this song before me, and allowed me to hear it.
Not with my ears, but with my heart. 
That made all the difference.  A difference that I "felt" during communion.

Love is not an emotion that I wrap my arms around easily. 
Ok, so that is probably because I don't feel worthy, don't feel I deserve it, don't...fill in the blank.  Blah blah blah.

I felt LOVE, or rather LOVED, during communion on Sunday. 
I can't explain it, I can't really put it into words, but I felt it.
It was tangible.  It was light.  It was fluid.  It was real.
And I cried.   For the first time in my life,  I felt LOVED. 

Thank you, my Father, for loving me,
and for showing me that you love me.

Right here. 
Right now.

WAR

I have been watching an old TV series on netflix. The second season in the series is following one American man's journey through WWI.

In the series, this young man is idealistic and joins the war by using both a false name and age and enlisting in the Belgium Army prior to the US's involvement.
He ends up fighting in the horrific nightmarish trenches of Verdun in France, crossing the Congo on African soil and then is placed in Russia during the Soviet uprising and sneaking into Austria to help Emporer Karl go behind German Kaiser Wilhelm's back to try to stop Austria's involvement in the war.

I have actually learned more watching this series than I did all the way through high school...or school in general. But that is not why I am writing this.

As I have been watching this, I am amazed at just how many areas the war was fought, how many different countries, and continents as well. It seems that there were spies and enemies everywhere. One really never knew who was their ally, who to trust.
I also am aware that their is a war going on around us. All the time. What has been hitting me though, is the intensity of the battle that is waging around me. Right now.

The enemy has held ground on my concience for quite some time, although I didn't realize just how much. In an attempt to irradicate this enemy, I have taken on allies. These allies have helped me gain much needed ground in this battle.
The funny thing is, there are always casualties in war.

WWI was started because a man, heir apparent to the Emporer of the Austria-Hungary Empire and his wife were assassinated. Let's see, that's two casualties.
Wikipedia states that the casualties in WWI, by the end of the war was 37 million. 16 million deaths and 21 million wounded. Wow.
Then I think, If Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife could have seen the outcome of that one singular event, would they have chosen for their country to go to war to avenge their deaths? I would hope they would have been appalled and said no. 2 deaths vs. 16 million? No contest.

While I appreciate my allies and that they are willing to battle for me, I am not willing to incur any more casualties. If I am a casualty, then so be it. But to have my allies wounded battling for me? Or worse, to have those allies fall from friendly fire?
No contest.

Where I am

I am so confused.
HOW did I lose my grip on what I had been holding on to so tightly?
I wanted it to go away.
I wasn't prepared to hand it over to...anyone.
It's ugly. It's painful.
I don't understand why.
I didn't know.



"There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus".

God blesses people whose sins are forgiven and whose evil deeds are forgotten. The Lord blesses people whose sins are erased from his book. Romans 4: 7-8 CEV

I want to remember this.
Can I remember this?
I want to live this...

Demolition

My house is crumbling.

The foundation has cracked, the paint is chipped and peeling. The windows are broken and crusted with dirt and grime. The doors are hanging loose on their hinges. The flooring is creaking and worn. The walls are soiled, the decaying cellar riddled with creatures that scurry throughout.
The only source of light, external, filters in from somewhere above.
Dust lies thick in the darkened corners of half forgotten rooms and boarded up closets.

A house left on it's own to deteriorate in the elements.

Why the disruption?

What is there worth saving?

God is light, in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth.
~1 John 1:5-6

What is darkness? What does he mean by darkness? I mean, I am in the dark every single night. I find it hard to sleep unless there is total darkness - pitch black.

Stupid answer. I know what the writer is saying, but I want it defined. I don't want a Christianese scripted answer. I don't want a metaphorically symbolic bunch of hooey. I want the baseline, dirty, gritty, grounded answer.
Maybe want isn't the correct terminology.
I need.
There, that's much closer.

Am I in the dark?

(NOT a rhetorical question...)