There is something that has been bothering me lately.
That something is truth.
Now truth can be a blessing. It can be giddy and happy and freeing.
But that doesn't seem to be the kind that is bothering me. What's bothering me is the kind
that can be kept, sheltered and hidden. The kind that can wound and hurt and sometimes even kill.
I have never been a truth keeper about the mundane, comical, stupid, chaotic and sometimes fantastic things that happen in my life. I have no problem blabbing every little thing to anyone who will listen.
Yet I find that my life has become a growing, evolving and moving force. One that I am not quite sure how to deal with. And the truths that I find eminating from this force are litterally starting to terrify me.
Terrify is a strong word, yet befitting. Derived from the word terror.
Meanings: afraid, a frightening aspect, a cause of anxiety, an appalling person or thing, a destructive act.
My mind and body and heart have always acted together. They are all three highly dysfunctional, and they all support one-another in that dysfunction.
I had a crushing blow to my being at age 7 that has formed who I am today. The destruction was to my body. My heart was shredded in support of my body and my mind took over to protect them both. My body reacted to that protection and worked in sync with my mind to protect all three. My heart never healed.
Ramblings? Well...yeah. Excuses?...maybe. Reality?...Truth.
What I find happening lately is that these three; mind, heart and body, are no longer working in sync. They are no longer supporting one-another in their dysfunction. They are starting to grow, but not together.
This seemingly little hiccup in my iniverse is wreaking havoc, and I am afraid to see how far-reaching these little pond ripples are going.
I want so badly to live in truth, my truth. But I am terrified. I am terrified that my truths could hurt, wound or kill...relationships that I love most.
I used to be fine where I was at. With anger as my passion and coldness my comfort. I used to be great at giving other people what they wanted and leaving myself out. I used to be ok with relinquishing my body, heart and mind over to a world free from love and desire. I used to be satisfied living a mediocre life without the trappings of interwoven relationship.
I used to be.
